Date a girl who reads.

March 8, 2011 § Leave a comment

“Date a girl who reads. Date a girl who spends her money on books instead of clothes. She has problems with closet space because she has too many books. Date a girl who has a list of books she wants to read, who has had a library card since she was twelve.

Find a girl who reads. You’ll know that she does because she will always have an unread book in her bag.She’s the one lovingly looking over the shelves in the bookstore, the one who quietly cries out when she finds the book she wants. You see the weird chick sniffing the pages of an old book in a second hand book shop? That’s the reader. They can never resist smelling the pages, especially when they are yellow.

She’s the girl reading while waiting in that coffee shop down the street. If you take a peek at her mug, the non-dairy creamer is floating on top because she’s kind of engrossed already. Lost in a world of the author’s making. Sit down. She might give you a glare, as most girls who read do not like to be interrupted. Ask her if she likes the book.

Buy her another cup of coffee.

Let her know what you really think of Murakami. See if she got through the first chapter of Fellowship. Understand that if she says she understood James Joyce’s Ulysses she’s just saying that to sound intelligent. Ask her if she loves Alice or she would like to be Alice.

It’s easy to date a girl who reads. Give her books for her birthday, for Christmas and for anniversaries. Give her the gift of words, in poetry, in song. Give her Neruda, Pound, Sexton, Cummings. Let her know that you understand that words are love. Understand that she knows the difference between books and reality but by god, she’s going to try to make her life a little like her favorite book. It will never be your fault if she does.

She has to give it a shot somehow.

Lie to her. If she understands syntax, she will understand your need to lie. Behind words are other things: motivation, value, nuance, dialogue. It will not be the end of the world.

Fail her. Because a girl who reads knows that failure always leads up to the climax. Because girls who understand that all things will come to end. That you can always write a sequel. That you can begin again and again and still be the hero. That life is meant to have a villain or two.

Why be frightened of everything that you are not? Girls who read understand that people, like characters, develop. Except in the Twilightseries.

If you find a girl who reads, keep her close. When you find her up at 2 AM clutching a book to her chest and weeping, make her a cup of tea and hold her. You may lose her for a couple of hours but she will always come back to you. She’ll talk as if the characters in the book are real, because for a while, they always are.

You will propose on a hot air balloon. Or during a rock concert. Or very casually next time she’s sick. Over Skype.

You will smile so hard you will wonder why your heart hasn’t burst and bled out all over your chest yet. You will write the story of your lives, have kids with strange names and even stranger tastes. She will introduce your children to the Cat in the Hat and Aslan, maybe in the same day. You will walk the winters of your old age together and she will recite Keats under her breath while you shake the snow off your boots.

Date a girl who reads because you deserve it. You deserve a girl who can give you the most colorful life imaginable. If you can only give her monotony, and stale hours and half-baked proposals, then you’re better off alone. If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads.

Or better yet, date a girl who writes.”

-Rosemarie Urquico via The Monica Bird

I used to be that girl.  Maybe I can find her again.

Buddhism and my search for God

May 14, 2010 § Leave a comment

Cambodians are culturally Buddhist, but I never felt comfortable describing myself as a Buddhist because I never understood the philosophy behind it.

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Songs that make me sad

May 13, 2010 § Leave a comment

While pruning through my Itunes library, I found a bunch of songs that make me sad immediately, almost to the point of tears.  Some of them have a reason behind it and some are just sad songs.  I think I must have been listening to some of these on repeat during the angsty moments of my youth.  It surprises me that the emotional reaction can still be so strong, even without remembering the reason why…

It starts from within.

May 10, 2010 § Leave a comment

After reflecting on my life, the people I admire (which is pretty much everyone I’ve ever met) and a ton of “life advice” quotes that I’ve collected over the years, I have come to the following realization:

For the world to love you, you must love the world.  For you to the love the world, you must love yourself first.

I’m not quite happy with the wording on that particular Sutina-ism, but basically: it all starts from within.

Love is a complex word, but when I reflected on the thing I wanted most out of life it was: to be loved.  Family love, romantic love, friendship love … I also count respect from work colleagues in this category, but it sounds really bad to say “co-worker love.”

I’m learning that you can’t demand or depend on love from anyone.  You can only love and let yourself be loved.  And there is no possible way to ensure that you will always receive love if you act a certain way.  This last part was a recent epiphany.  Logically, I knew this, but it took a while for me to let go of my fear that everyone would stop loving me if I were my true self.  And also the feeling that “I’m not doing this right, but if I let people know, they will judge me and stop loving me.”  Which, in hindsight, is also really ridiculous.  No one really knows what they’re doing all the time.  We’re all just trying to keep moving forward.

Eventually though, all the inner stress and tension really wore me down.  It got to a point where I physically couldn’t keep going .  It was completely exhausting to try and manage everyone’s expectations of me all the time.  So, I let go… and realized that the bottomless cliff I was expecting was actually a small step up.  I wasn’t a bad person and I actually kind of liked myself.  I made a few mistakes here and there, but there was nothing in my life I truly regretted, or at least anything that wasn’t fixable.  It’s also been completely amazing to hear that people think I’m pretty wonderful, just as I am.  They always told me so, but I chose not to hear it.  I chose to hear only my own fears and insecurities.  I was projecting my worst fears into their thoughts.  I’m so grateful that no one actually believed me when I told them I was a terrible person.

So, it all starts from within.

How you view the world determines how the world views you.  How you view yourself determines how you act.  If you approach both with love, then there will always be someone to love you in this world.

If you’re reading this, I probably already love you.  If you’re not sure, ask me and I’ll be happy to tell you why I love you.  :)

Buddhist Reflection – Week 1

May 9, 2010 § Leave a comment

I signed up for an E-course on Buddhism through SpiritualityandPractice.com.  Each week, I will get an e-mail with a quote and practice suggestion, 40 lessons in all.  Since I did have to pay for it, I won’t share the actual lesson, but I’ll share my insights and foibles.   (P.S. SpiritualityandPractice.com has plenty of free practice suggestions for all religions!)

It was amazing how the events of my week coincided exactly with the practice suggestion.  I sought closure with one of my past relationships and two other opportunities for making peace with my past arrived this week.  Smaller opportunities to be emotionally fearless throughout the week continued the theme.

I always thought I was being emotionally open before, but I realize now that I was always operating from a place of fear.  I was always concerned about what the other person thought of me and so I let my fears blind me to the truth.  I was too wrapped up in trying to divine what they were thinking by examining, analyzing and interpreting their actions to actually listen to the other person or build true emotional closeness.

I see now that trying to protect your heart from heartbreak also keeps true love and joy from entering it.  The opposite extreme is not good either (to allow your heart to be completely consumed by someone else).  Middle ground: allowing both love and heartbreak, but never losing yourself in the process.

To do that, you have to  know and love yourself enough to share your true heart with the world.

Backdate(d entries)

May 1, 2010 § Leave a comment

So, I have not come up with any NEW content for this blog yet, but I’ve imported stuff from my old blogs. I’m still sorting through them… there’s an awful lot of cringeworthy teenage angst and awful poetry. I’ve made some of it viewable. The rest should probably be burned and buried. Or whatever the modern equivalent is.

mission statement

September 8, 2009 § Leave a comment

I guess I don’t really have a reason for writing this blog.

I don’t really have anything important to share with the world or a particular topic in mind.  I’m mostly writing for my own benefit.  I’m hoping that writing this will help me make sense of my life by giving my a place to put all my random thoughts.  they’ve cluttered my mindspace for much too long.

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